


Fading Subtly, I'm Yours

by skipper



Series: the time they warned us (but i didn't listen) [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2018-11-03 07:58:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10963005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skipper/pseuds/skipper
Summary: Harry has to know it's coming, though Louis isn't certain. The changes are initially slow, making the fear and dread suffocate each moment they have left. He tries to pretend, to hold onto whatever they have left, but even those pieces fall away revealing only emptiness in their wake. He has to do this, but he can't possibly let Harry go.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for waiting and encouraging all this time. Here it is, Louis' perspective.

Louis sits, staring, his eyes on the drops of water down the windows. There are four in this room; he remembers it's the reason that Harry chose it as opposed to his, which only held two windows. His were also much smaller, and Louis was happy to comply, anything to put a smile on Harry’s face.

He glances towards his face, the perfect mold of porcelain features, his smiles, and dimples never-ending when he’d look to Louis. When he was asleep and actually sleeping, he was perfect. There were no creases of worry or fear, no shaking hands or trembling words, he was simply Harry. These moments reminded Louis of that precious boy he'd fallen in love with over singing and laughter, the boy without a care in the world.

 

_"What're you doing?" The boy with the curls smirked at him, leaving Louis speechless. There was no denying he'd noticed him, everyone remembered him, with his loud laugh and bright eyes, it was hard not to. Louis stared at him, he stood in the entrance while Louis continued to lean against the bathroom counter, unable to express why he'd been splashing the water across his face._

_"Nothing." Louis answered hesitantly, unable to find a more viable excuse. The boy quirked an eyebrow and stepped forward, letting the door fall shut behind him. He crossed his arms over his chest and Louis bit the corner of his lip, his eyes meeting the boy's a moment later._

_"It's scary, yeah?" The boy spoke quietly and Louis nodded, unwilling to say any more. "Though hiding in the toilets won't fix much."_

_"I suppose not," Louis said with a shrug, "but it's easier than being out there."_

_"Stick with me then?" the boy said with a nod, as though Louis had a question to follow him. Louis nodded in return, watching as the boy stepped towards the sink, leaning forward to wash his face as Louis had been doing moments before. "Name's H-," he murmured, but Louis couldn't catch his words through the water on his mouth._

_"What?" he asked in confusion. He shook his head, laughing as he wiped the water from his face._

_"Harry," he laughed some more and Louis followed as they walked through the bathroom door, feeling considerably lighter since entering._

 

Louis remembers it all so vividly, never being able to let go of that broken boy he'd met in the bathroom. With anyone else it would've been awkward, but it wasn't until later that Louis understood why Harry was there at the X factor. He wasn't there simply to go, wanting to know of his talents like him, he was there ridding himself of himself and everything he feared, which turned into Louis as well. He hid it so well in the beginning, Louis didn’t even know until it was too late, when Louis was the only thing Harry had to hide behind.

 

_"Come here," Louis murmured softly, his fingers curling around the edge of Harry's shirt. He used it to pull him closer, their bodies steadily moving towards the couch in the center of the living room. Harry's eyes are wide and Louis knows he's scared, more scared than him. His fingers tremble when he grips Louis' arms, pulling away, pulling closer, he isn't sure._

_"Lou," Harry whispered and Louis closed his eyes, feeling Harry's soft breath against his chin. He whispered the name again and Louis felt his legs touch the furniture. He paused, almost releasing his hold on Harry, and opened his eyes. He stared down at Harry, his eyes closed, lips quivering slightly, and Louis can feel the grip on his arms, Harry's nails deep in his skin._

_"Haz," Louis spoke, giving his chance, to stop everything that's about to change. They haven't known each other long; they can be the same friends they've been since leaving the bathroom that night. Harry tilted his chin, his eyes still closed, and Louis feels the pull on his arms as Harry brings their bodies together._

_"Yeah," Harry responded and Louis knew it would be okay. The first press of their lips was awkward and Louis' hands shook as they flattened against Harry's ribs. His thumb smoothed along the cotton of his shirt, until he felt the unavoidable race of Harry's heart, matching his own._

_"Okay," Harry whispered against his lips, and Louis knows he's talking to himself. He wanted to pull away, but the feel of Harry is more than anything's he ever felt. Harry's a low pulse beneath his skin, beating until the moments they touch again, even the slightest is enough, and Louis' breaths are Harry._

_Louis pushed further, his hands holding Harry to him as he pressed firmly, his lips slowly parting Harry's. As he continued, he could feel Harry's reluctance fading, desire sweeping over thoughts until Harry is pushing back with just as much earnest. It’s incredible, feeling so much, wanting so much more, until it’s over._

_Harry’s pushing him away, his breaths harsh and rapid, and Louis can’t open his eyes yet. He reaches a hand out, expecting Harry to be right there, but he’s not, the space beside him is empty. Louis opened his eyes to see Harry, several feet away from him, his eyes widened with emotion as he stared behind him. Louis slowly turns to see they’re not alone, but with a very angry Robin standing in the doorway._


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please pay attention to the trigger warnings. Thanks.

Thinking back, Louis still doesn’t know if he’s ever felt quite as terrified as he did that night. There have been plenty of terrifying times with Harry, but never like he did then. He sighed softly and ran his fingers along Harry’s hand, careful not to startle him. As always, he remained aware of Harry's state, knowing how awful it was to try to calm him when he’s woken in such a state, and the last thing he ever wants to do is hurt him. He started to pull away, but Harry’s forefinger wraps itself around his thumb, keeping him close. Louis can see him smile in his sleep, and wanted to laugh that he’s done it so naturally then, not like when he’s awake, when the fear’s the strongest.

He leaned forward when Harry hadn’t woken and gently kissed Harry’s lips, breathing slow until he pulled back. Louis considered to himself for a long moment before dropping Harry’s hand against the edge of the duvet, and slowly moved from the bed. He walked to the doorway, but turned, watching Harry sleep for as long as he could stand. It was so rare to see him relaxed. Even in his sleep he was always restless, worried, and undeniably filled with fear.

The very thought of it nearly makes him angry, an emotion he no longer understood in himself. The fear, the feeling of being scared, terrified, worry mixed with the undeniable quiver of his lips is the Harry he knows now. Harry can’t love like Louis loves Harry. He doesn’t know how, and Louis is realizing that he might never know. Louis blinked away angry tears, forcing his thoughts to focus on the current, peaceful Harry. He memorized every second, every moment until he has to turn away again, this time for good.

Deep down, Louis knew when he got involved that it was something he'd never be able to handle. He's never known what happened to Harry that night; he’d never spoken of it. Louis never asked either, but not out of not wanting to know, but fearing Harry’s reaction if he did. He knew enough to know that whatever Robin did not only terrified Harry, but continued to hold him, choking him with dread. It hurt that Louis couldn't tell anyone, no one to know the truth about Harry but him.

He knew the others had questioned things about he and Harry’s relationship, but it went so much deeper than simply admitting they might be gay. For so long, Louis thought he had it all under control. They just needed time, space, and Louis could fix every piece of Harry that wasn’t quite right. He could make him happy, complete him in every way he needed. In the end, it wasn’t that simple. He knows now that it never was a future where it would be.

Louis exited the room, but it took several minutes for him to leave completely. He stood in the hall of Liam’s flat, staring blankly at the wall across from the room. There are so many feelings, so many emotions he can’t control, but more than anything, the fear. He knew this decision was going to tear Harry apart. He wanted so badly to warn the lads, but he knew they’d never get it, even if he explained ahead of time.

It took himself two years to understand, and he supposedly knew Harry better than anyone. Well, at one time he thought he did. He wasn’t quite so sure anymore. And it was different now. He was going to be different. Louis leaned his arm against the wall, his forehead resting against his flushed skin. He can’t release the tension, his body tight and wound around Harry, and he still doesn’t know how to let go.

“Lou?” he jumped at the sound of Liam’s voice and pulled back, wiping at his eyes. He sniffled, not having expected to be that close to tears, and dared to look at Liam with the emotion filled gaze.

 “I’m fine,” he said, trying to smile. Louis tried to think of something to say, something to make the air light, make everyone laugh so they don’t focus on it, but his mind is blank and he suddenly doesn’t know how. Liam looked like he wanted to say something, but in the end, he shakes his head, sighing softly.

“How ‘bout a cup?” Liam asked, wrapping an arm around Louis’ shoulder. Louis is surprised with how easily he sags into the touch, not realizing how much he’s needed it. He finally nodded and wiped at his eyes again, until he sure any spots of tears are gone.

“Yeah,” Louis agreed, leaning his head on Liam’s shoulder. He stopped walking suddenly and turned to Liam, everything filling him all at once, and Louis knew it wasn't going to be the same. It will be so much worse. He wrapped his arms around Liam, sighing with relief when Liam held him just as tight. Louis knew he wasn't aware how much he’s holding him up right now, how much Louis just wants to fall away, unwilling to face what he has to.

“It’ll be all right,” Liam says gently, and Louis nodded, despite knowing it’s not quite true. Harry wasn’t here because of something that’s happened already, he was here because he figured it out. “Harry will come home soon,” Liam pat his back, pulling away when Louis finally released him.

“It’s not that simple,” Louis mumbled, sitting in a chair when they reach the kitchen. Liam looked like he wants to ask, but Louis is relieved when he doesn’t.

“I know you two don’t normally quarrel,” he tried to say and Louis dropped his head, wanting to laugh incredulously. Even as close as they are, he’s amazed at how well he managed to keep Harry hidden from the others. He thought of his conversation with Zayn the night before, how wide his eyes grew when Louis finally told him the truth.

“Li,” Louis interrupted him, not even sure what he’d been saying. Liam stared at him and Louis realized that he does have to tell them, before he does it. They have to know what’s coming. “You should call Ni and Zayn.”

“What? Why?” Liam asked but Louis shook his head, dropping his gaze again. Liam set the pot on the counter, beside the sink where he’d been filling it and Louis didn't look to him for a response. He listened as he tapped the buttons on his phone, and knew the others would be there soon.

Louis wanted to walk back down the hallway, to make sure Harry is still sleeping, but suddenly, he can’t face Harry again. He’s about to commit the utmost betrayal, revealing Harry’s darkest secret to his mates, and he’s not sure Harry will ever forgive him. Louis turned his hands into fists when they start to shake, pressing them firmly against his thighs, feeling the tremble when they won’t stop moving. It a sudden irony, having it happen to him, when he’s watched Harry in the very predicament so many times before.

“Louis,” he jumped, not expecting Liam so close and wanted to laugh, but doesn’t at the level of concern in Liam’s eyes. “They’re coming,” he said quietly.

“Make some tea, Li,” Louis encouraged with a soft voice, meeting his gaze. “We’ll need it.” Liam nodded wordlessly and went back to the pot, turning on the burner as he set it on the stove. Louis moved from his chair, walking down the hallway, praying Harry is still asleep as he hoped him to be.

He opened the door a little, the darkening sky making the room look almost black. Louis stepped inside at the sound of Harry mumbling, and as he approached, his chest clenched at the sight of him so close to a nightmare. He crouched beside the bed, quietly resting on his knees as he leaned his mouth close to Harry’s ear. Closing his eyes, Louis started to sing the song, Harry’s song, humming softly in his ear until he started to calm.

Louis knows it won’t work indefinitely, and it hurt to think how many of these Harry’s had to endure without him by his side. He knew he couldn't let himself think like that anymore. Louis wasn’t going to be there to rock him back to sleep, change his sheets, and give him his meds when it got to be too much. Louis had to step away, suddenly feeling more overwhelmed than he ever was before, even when Harry was at his worst.

He moved quickly, shutting the door and walking away from the room, unable to make sense of the emotions inside him. He was second guessing all these decisions he’s made, wondering if he was going to be able to go through like he promised himself. Louis is unsurprised to find the others cuddled on Liam’s sofa, but it helps solidify his plan, giving him confidence he needed.

“I don’t,” Louis started to say, but shook his head, falling into the sofa chair across the room. He leaned forward, his head in his hands, and forced his breathing to slow. He sucked in a low breath and found the courage, lifting his head to meet the confused gaze across the room.

“Louis is breaking it off with Harry,” Zayn said quickly and Louis almost laughed at how odd it was to hear the words aloud. He meet Liam and Niall’s eyes, watching the confusion turn to something more solid, understanding.

“You and Harry?” Liam said slowly and Louis nodded. “You’re together?” he asks and Louis nodded again. Liam whistles softly and leaned back, “I guess I should’ve known.”

“It makes sense,” Zayn responded, “how close you always were. I figured if you were, you would’ve told us.”

“I know,” Louis nodded, pressing his hands firmly to his knees. “Harry never knew how to deal with it. He still doesn’t.”

“Which part?” Niall asked and Louis felt his hands shaking, the memories rushing through him in flashes, every promise to Harry that he was breaking.

“Harry doesn’t want to be gay,” Louis managed to say, unsure how to word it all. “As in, he doesn’t want anyone to know. Ever.”

“But you two?” Liam said with a shake of his head.

“This started at the bungalow,” Louis admitted, unwilling to look up when he realized he was admitting how long they’ve been lying to their best mates. “I promised I wouldn’t tell,” he said quietly, watching his toe curl and uncurl until Liam cleared his throat pointedly.

“Why now?” Liam asked, meeting Louis’ gaze.

“Harry’s... he's not going to take this well,” Louis whispered, knowing this is the first he’s ever admitted it. He couldn’t even bring himself to tell Zayn the night before. “He’s not going to take this well. I can’t see him, but he can’t be alone.”

“What do you mean?” Zayn asked harshly, making Louis suck in a breath. He moved one of his trembling hands through his hair, struggling not to cry as he gripped the locks tightly.

“I don’t know how to explain,” Louis admitted, sniffling as his eyes filled with tears. He pulled a bottle of pills from his pocket, the familiar ones that Harry used the most often. He stood up and walked over to Liam. “When his hands start to shake, his breathing will become rapid. His eyes will start to go crazy, like he doesn’t know what to look at. Give him two of these. He doesn’t need water, he’ll swallow them dry.”

“Lou?” Niall asked and Louis can see the fear in his eyes. The confusion is the strongest, but Louis doesn’t know how to appease any of it. He knows they won’t understand, won’t comprehend what he’s said until they see it for themselves.

“Don’t leave him alone,” Louis whispered, stepping back, “Please, don’t.”

“Okay,” Liam nodded, glancing to Zayn, who’s biting his lip so much Louis is surprised there’s no blood.

“I’m staying with Zayn,” Louis murmured quietly. “I’ll give him the rest of the pills to give to you. Don’t give them to Harry. You have to keep them locked up.”

“Why?” Niall asked and Louis knew he doesn’t believe anything that Louis has said. He sucked in a breath, knew he has to be harsh and it hurts, everything is hurting right now.

“Remember last summer,” Louis said quietly, meeting his eyes purposefully, “when Harry had that fever and was throwing up. I insisted he didn’t need a doctor.”

“Yeah,” Liam responded, because he’d begged Louis to take him when he’d caught sight of the red vomit.

“I left a bottle out,” Louis said sharply, his nails biting into his palm to stay steady, “Harry swallowed the entire thing.”

“Swallowed?” Niall whispered and it takes several moments, but Louis finally nodded, closing his eyes. He opened them a few moments later when the memories start to flash, everything he’d seen but was never able to share.

“Twenty seven pills,” Louis whispered through his ragged breathing. He wanted to say more, but there’s so much from that weekend that he still blamed himself for, he can’t begin to admit it aloud.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
